Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
