when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
