i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
send nudes
from the living room?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
