We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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