a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
