Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
