As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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