I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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