I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
