I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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