my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
