She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
