someone owes me an orgasm
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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