I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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