Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
