i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
