If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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