We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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