At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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