I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
