If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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