if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
