I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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