I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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