If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
