We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
