god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
