Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
In other news, I just burned my penis
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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