I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
