phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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