How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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