trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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