I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
