god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
