remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
