I'm so fucking centered right now
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
