I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
