Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
