someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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