i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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