I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
