Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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