I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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