I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
