Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
In other news, I just burned my penis
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
