Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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