They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
