I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
