Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
