I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
