Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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