My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize