I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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