Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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