I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize