Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
