just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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