Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
