i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
