the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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