Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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