i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize