He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
