i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
its not stalking. its research.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
