The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
