Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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