I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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