dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
