We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
