well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Randomize
