he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
