He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
40s are totally the cure
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize