thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
