ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
